This could get ugly. I am not a big fan of pain, I have had more than my fair share of but emotional and physical pain, just look at my scars. Of course “fair share” is a lot like beauty. In any case the idea of either is not a big fear. I know I will have plenty more of each in my time to come, or at least expect it and I don’t really have a large feeling of either right now, so enjoy. The thing that gives me the greatest sense of anxiety is the idea that I missed my calling in life. That God put me here for something important. I imagine what we might have missed if, Lincoln, or Charlie Chaplin, or Madame Curie, or Lao Tsu had decided to play video games or go swimming and never did what they did (Disclaimer: this is a very random list, I could just as easily have added Shakespeare, Twain, Jesus, Buddha, or any of thousands of others). Its comforting to imagine that someone else just stepped in and the world never skipped a beat and its not unreasonable in some sense. Who knows maybe all those folks were really second or third choice and the first choices were busy polishing doorknobs or something equally important or enthralling. At the same time its just as easy to imagine the world could be much much better if many other people had stepped up with extra effort on the side of love, peace and respect for life and our world.
Of course the there is really no evidence that I have any exceptional value on a global, by todays typical measures. So what I might feel could just be my imagination, ego or need to some sort of external worth. This idea is a little freeing but also quite a bit of a disappointment. I like the idea of having value, both for myself and everyone else. Even the birds and the bees. So I prefer to lean toward the idea that we all have huge value and importance, just not always based on completion of a certain task or mission. Sort of a parts of the body thing. Clearly the hands do a lot of work, at least some peoples hand do. And the mouth gets the joys of the first taste, unless you count smells. But without certain constricting sphincters the whole thing gets messy in a hurry and doesn’t last long. Not that I seek to be the latter, but I have come to understand that I will never understand it all, but I can push myself harder to contribute to others. I feel the joy in the right little things and add more joy where I can. Pushy people may need to push less, I need to watch my desire to be patient and grow and share more. This is that, a small step admittedly, possibly misguided, God knows I have a over-sized capacity for that. But it is a step and better than getting poked with a sharp stick, at least for me anyways.